The only fear I felt, as I stood under the fiery gaze of the immortal alicorn, was that I might not get a proper night’s sleep that night. “Your highness, I’m flattered, but—” “But nothing!” From the sound of her voice, nopony else was going to get much sleep either. With my luck, they would all be peeking their heads out their windows, straining their ears to hear every little bit that was spoken on the otherwise empty street. “I will have none of it! You [i]will [/i]be my consort, and you’re going to like it!” I should probably start from the beginning. It was on an arguably normal night a few weeks ago that I was walking quietly homewards. I call it quiet because I was already used to my helmet clanging against my breastplate, as well as all the other utensil-like sounds a full set of armor makes when it’s set in motion. What wasn’t quiet, however, was when a shadow dropped down from the moon, landed in front of me —the crater in the road now being legally reclassified as a holy site— and then proceeded to demand my hoof in marriage. The same thing happened the next day. And then the next. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and the demands may also have been upped a couple of times. “Princess Luna,” I said, readying my official ‘guard voice’, “the times have changed. That’s not how you court ponies anymore.” Luna harrumphed. “Then We shall make it our duty it be so again. After all, is it not within our power to do so?” “But, Princess—” “Did we mayhap stutter?” Sounds of ponies groggily getting up were becoming more and more noticeable. A little distress crept into my voice. “Your highness, you’re disturbing the peace.” She looked around, noticed the silhouettes gather in doorways, windows and alleyways, and smiled. “Splendid, they shall all bear witness to the holiest of sacraments.” I [i]really[/i] did not want to know what that entailed. Especially with the emphasis she put on [i]holy[/i]. “Princess!” “Loyal subjects,” she hollered, “we are gathered here today to celebrate the polygamous union of Her Royal Highness Princess Luna Selene a—” “If you stop I’ll give you a kiss!” Luna’s mind seemingly left her body to fend for itself, forehoof in air and all. It gave me enough time to facehoof for not controlling my mouth, and to evaluate my options for evacuation. “Look. Behind those trees, Princess.” I pointed. “In there, away from prying eyes.” Luna eyed me curiously. She’d been doing that a lot, having literally dropped down from the heavens each night once my evening patrol was done like clockwork. At least this time her eyes stayed locked with mine. “Very well.” She nodded and followed me as I began making for the edge of a small park just outside the castle. In the past, many of my guy friends have said how jealous they were of me. Most of the time this was after-hours in a bar or coffee shop of sorts, and I always replied by pointing out that I was a guard. They would then ask increasingly exasperatedly that didn’t I realize that that mare who had brought our drinks had actually been hitting on me? They sure liked to talk about them mares. Two names pop up more often than others, usually spoken with some degree of longing, or desire, with the occasional inquiry on how to get my job just so they’d be that much closer to them. By that point, I’ve usually tuned them out, though. Why? I was trotting on a cobblestone path with one of them and the realization that, out of the cobblestones and her, the mare was probably older tended to take away some of the interest in things. ‘Age is just a number’ and all, sure, but when that number was closer to my own grandmother's age than mine, it inevitably resulted in me substituting one senior citizen for the other. No thanks. And truthfully, I preferred blondes. I kept walking into the cover of the trees until I noticed her hoofsteps stop following. “We believe this is quite far enough,” Luna spoke with her usual conviction. Her eyes glimmered in the moonlight expectantly. “Now for what we were [i]owed[/i].” I blew her a quick kiss. “There. Now can we [i]please [/i]talk about this like adults?” Luna’s lips stayed pursed for a moment before they spread into a wicked smile. “Cunning,” she purred. [i]Purred[/i]. I withheld the shudders. “You truly know how to entice your liege.” “Princess Luna, this has gone on for far too long,” I stated. “For the last time: I’m not interested.” Unsurprisingly, saying that didn’t work the fifteenth time I tried. Luna circled around me, the smell of rocks and cold starry nights invading my nostrils as much as she was invading my personal space. “[i]S[/i]till playing hard to get, I see. You know you cannot resist forever.” I sidestepped away moments before she could tie her tail around mine. She feinted hip checking me from the side, but I dodged at the last second the pounce she’d actually been readying. I had to use all of my training to evade her incoming bear hug. We kept playing cat and mouse in this way for what felt like half the night, except for the fact that neither of us was really playing. Luna could be [i]very[/i] forward, which she hadn’t yet, believe it or not. “Stop!” I cried. “Princess, you’re urgently needed in Ponyville!” Luna chuckled under her breath. “No, my guard. [i]You’re [/i]needed in [i]my quarters[/i].” First time I heard that I ran. Try and guess how far I got, and no taking hints from the ruined fountains. I stood up straight and raised my forehoof. Guard voice back online. “Princess, this is no way for someone of your status to act! Under the Equestrian Civil Code Title III Chapter 31 Section 9A an Equestrian Citizen is forbidden from—” [b][i]*Bonk[/i][/b] I blinked. Years of intensive training in the Royal Guard had given me, besides a masochistic desire to run laps at five in the morning, the ability to snap-cast a protective shield almost reflexively. I exhaled out of relief, the warm air turning misty on the magical barrier roughly an inch from my face. [b][i]*Bonk[/i][/b] “Princess Luna.” I gave her my best scowl, once the shield had stopped reverberating again. “Give me the mallet.” Princess Luna looked between the magical dome and the six-foot-tall war hammer she was holding. It looked like it had been made out of solid steel and long-extinct races yet, surprisingly, I cared less about where she got it from than why she was actively trying to swing it with her hooves instead of her magic. “No.” [b][i]*Bonk[/i][/b] “Since you have deigned not to cooperate, we will have to ‘knock thee out’, as the youth would say, and then carry thee with us, just as a proper Princess would.” She lifted the hammer in the air again. Holding up a shield for too long can, sadly, give a unicorn a mighty headache. Mine had begun weeks ago, and I sure as Starswirl wasn’t going to hold it for much longer. “This is ridiculous, Princess.” I hopped to the side and let the hammer hit the pavement. “Why me?” “Why what?” [b][i]*Thunk[/i][/b] “Why go through all this trouble for me?” Luna looked up to the moon. “We are well over one thousand years old, my little pony. We have monitored the world for eons untold, and we have looked.” Her eyes shone down on me like moonlight. “And we hath seen [i]you[/i]. “Oh yes, we have heard all about these ‘guys nights out’ you have. We have seen it with our very eyes: you are respectful, witty, strong, and peculiarly indifferent yet not untoward towards the advances of others. You are not easily pleased, and therefore the only one who can truly have you shan’t be nothing short of a[i] true mare[/i].” I continued looking disbelievingly at her. Her eyebrows went up, and her eyes went down on me. “...and you also happen to have most pleasing a flank.” I groaned. “Princess.” “Enough! Can’t thou see thine Princess wills it?!” It always got bad when she went archaic. “Nothing and nopony shall stand in our way. For just as we persevered on the moon, we shall pursue thee until thine hoof be mine!” I backed away, shaking my hooves rabidly. “We can’t, because— because!”  Luna advanced on me. That was another reason why I wasn’t interested in anything beyond professional. A little obvious, actually: she loomed over me, taller despite me being above average height, hoisting a gavel-like hammer that was one twitch away from crashing into my skull ... it was a little intimidating. And to think it’s usually us guys who say that size doesn’t matter. I tried to run but found my hooves locked in place by a cold blue aura. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “Because I’m ill!” Luna froze. Yes! An Idea! “Yeah, I’m like [i]super [/i]ill.” I feigned coughing into my hoof a few times. Some phlegm went down my windpipe and made me really sell the act. “Oh, what cruelty has befell me. A magical ailment, terminal, can’t be cured. Tonight I will fall into slumber from which I am to never wake again!” Never thought I’d be so glad for having had practice with role-playing. Worst came to worst, I would just make myself scarce come morning. I’ve always wanted to see Gryffinstone, come to think of it. The war hammer clanged to the ground. “Then we must [i]kiss[/i] to make thou better!” I scrambled to keep her away before she could smooch me to death. “That won’t work, Fate itself has conspired to keep us apart!” Luna scowled, and there were cinders in her eyes. “[i]Fate[/i]?” “Yes,” I finished. “[i]The prophecy[/i] said so.” Neither of us moved. I knew the Princesses were all big on prophecies and what not—I was tempted to add that my sleep would last exactly 1000 years. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. Luna broke out laughing. The Royal Canterlot Voice made sure they heard her the next continent over. “Hah-ha! Dost Fate think it can outsmart [i]us[/i]?!” My head sunk into my hooves. I’d forgotten. “If Fate[i] [/i]doth not wish us together here, then we shall await thee in. thy. [i]Dreams[/i]!” The laughter devolved into villainous cackling. “The fires of love shall burn [i]forever[/i]!” I sighed—a little more aggravated than I’d like to admit— and marched home. “Good night, Princess Luna.” I banged the door shut on the way in. And that was that. That was about the way every night for the past few weeks had gone. I was so deep in thought I tripped on my own set of armor once I was done undressing. I still had no clue what I was supposed to do. I mean, she was an alicorn, she moved the Moon, she ruled the country— she flipping made sure nopony ever got any nightmares, what could I do? Turning her down had not worked. After finally having gathered the courage, lying had not been any more effective (it didn’t amount to treason charges, luckily). Not going to work at all had resulted in a search party, and to top it all off, Princess Celestia wouldn’t answer any of my letters! All that was really left for me to do was hold on, and hope that this crush of hers went away soon. For what it was worth, at least my wife was being a good sport about it. “Who was it, sweetie?” Sometimes, I swear, it felt like she actually [i]enjoyed [/i]it. “Just Princess Luna again, dear,” I said as I passed the slightly open door with the dim light spilling out. I kept walking until my hooves hit the stovetop and, luckily, a coffee kettle was already laid there. I wasn’t going to sleep tonight, if I could help it, dammit. Before I could even pour myself a cup, the first of many no doubt, there came a sound. My home has very thick walls, evident from how Luna’s Royal Canterlot Laughtrack couldn’t be heard indoors, so the only reason I could actually hear the bed sheets rustling all the way from our room, was because she wanted me to. “Honey, come to [i]bed[/i].” Invisible magic tugged at my collar insistently, before moving [i]elsewhere[/i]. “[i]I missed you[/i].” I sighed and started for the master bedroom. Guess I wasn’t safe even in my own home. “Coming, Cadence.”