“Dear,” Alexander said, “we need to talk.”

Mindy froze halfway through biting into her sandwich. She was sitting at their little kitchen table, with her bread, the meat, peanut butter, regular butter, bananas, pickles, anchovies, and no shirt, because it was her house and she could show off her tits any time she well pleased.

Slowly, watching Alexander all the while, she finished taking her bite. Then she chewed.

“Do you have to mock me every time I try to be serious?” he frowned and crossed his arms, leaning against the refrigerator.

“Shhh.” She mouthed the words around her food. “Relationship drama can only see motion. If you stand perfectly still it can’t detect you.”

“I realized something last night.” He pushed ahead, his tone firm. “You’re vocal during sex. Really—”

“Are you just realizing that?” Her hand rushed up to cover her mouth, eyes wide. “That must be very—”

“Really vocal,” he rose her voice to speak over her, “when the lights are off. When the lights are off you scream like a banshee and shout ‘yes, oh god yes,’ among other delightful phrases. But when the lights are on, like last night, you’re quiet. And then you say, ‘that was good sex,’ and go to sleep.”

“But it was good sex.”

“I know it was good sex. That’s not what I’m getting at.” He gestured at the table. “Mindy, do you think I’m ugly?”

“Oh! I get it.” She laughed. “Yes. Yes. You look like crap.”

Then she went back to her sandwich. Alexander stared at her until she mumbled, “What?” around another mouthful.

His brow furrowed and his voice rose: “How can you say that?”

“You eyes aren’t the same color! One’s this nice blue and the others, uh… I don’t know. Brownish grey?” Her tone was light and friendly, and she did nothing to rise to his bait. “You’re covered in acne scars from when you were a teenager, your nose is way too big, and I have no idea how this happened, but you actually have too many teeth. You remember we talked to the dentist about this. Humans aren’t supposed to have that many little teeth.”

“Oh, fine. Fine!” His tone to outright anger and he threw up a hand. “This is a great fucking thing to discover a year into our marriage.”

“Dear, you have a mirror, this cannot be a surprise.” She wiped her mouth, put the sandwich down, and turned to face him head on. “Look, let me be clear. Personality wise, you’re a winner across the board: smart, faithful, funny, resourceful. A+.” She clicked her tongue and made a circle with her fingers. “But physically, you’ve got strong areas and weak areas.”

Alexander snorted. “Oh and my looks are my weak area, is that it?”

“Yes.” She laughed and shook her head. “Look, do you know how many guys would like to be able to make their girlfriend grip the sheets like that at all? In the light or the dark? You are really good in bed. Like,” she drew in a breath, “really good.”

“So I only look good from the waist down.”

“Being good in bed is not just about having a big dick.” She paused. “I mean to be clear, you do, and I greatly enjoy that. But you’re coordinated, you’re sensitive, you know my body. And dear, I promise, with you I have never faked it. When I’m gripping the sheets and screaming for god almighty, it’s because all the joy and pleasure in heaven is concentrated right between my legs.”

Gesturing quickly, she went on: “You’re like a superhero. You know how Daredevil is deaf, so he compensates with amazing hearing? Well, you’re ugly, so you compensate with the power to induce multiple body-rocking orgasms.” She lifted a finger. “Or you’re like Superman! If instead of kryptonite his weakness was adequate light.”

“Should have stopped one example earlier.”

“Sorry.” Mindy sighed. She slowed her voice, “Is this… actually bothering you?”

“A little.” He sighed as well. After a moment, he crossed the gap between them and laid a soft kiss on her lips. “I guess it doesn’t matter.”

“It really doesn’t.” She smiled. “But if it makes you feel better, you can make fun of how I look.”

“You’re pregnant.”

“That’s great material! Call me fat.”

“Eh.” He shrugged. “Nomoreso than before.”

And that’s why that night, Alexander slept on the couch. Just in case his wife came by, he kept the lights off.