Marten Cooper had problems. He had problems with his love interest, Sasha, his job career as an emcee, and his finances. Marten Cooper’s life could be described by some as being at its nadir. However, that description would be unnecessarily dramatic for the purposes of describing the mediocrity of Marten Cooper’s unremarkable and unfulfilled life. Luckily, an interesting source of conflict was about to emerge without very much explanation to distract Marten Cooper from the monotonous tedium of his pointless existence.
            	
Marten Cooper was awoken by a loud knocking on his apartment door. His love interest, Sasha, who was sleeping next to him, also awoke.
            	
“You are a very inattentive and incompetent lover, Marten Cooper,” she said, deadpan. There was a hint of humanity attempting to creep into her voice but she quickly suppressed it the through use of increasingly obtuse phrasing.  “I think, perhaps, that we shall part for the time being.”
            	
Marten Cooper was conflicted. He felt the need to address the issue with his love interest, but also an equal responsibility to answering the door. He resolved to attempt both actions at the same time.

“Well,” he said, as he walked towards his goal, “I love you, and I do no—“

Unfortunately, Marten Cooper had collided with the door in an attempt to successfully coordinate both actions in tandem. A laugh track played nervously in the background. It seemed that in his attempt to juggle multiple things at once, Marten Cooper ended up unable to do any of them. Surely this was humbling experience for Marten Cooper.

“Huff,” Sasha said, instead of simply exhaling like a normal human being. “I can’t believe I am in a committed relationship lasting over several months that may or may not imply a marital interest with such an incompetent.”

A slide whistle briefly interrupted the scene for comedic timing.

“I’m going to my mother’s,” Sasha said, walking over to the door and speaking simultaneously with  perfectly elegant poise. Clearly, Sasha was out of poor Marten Cooper’s league. “We will certainly not be seeing each other again in the foreseeable future, and we will certainly not be getting back together.”

Sasha opened the door. As the door opened, a copious amount of fog billowed into the apartment, accompanied by thunder and witch cackle sound effects that came packaged with the original Foley SFX cd. A bit-crushed rendition of [i]Bach’s Toccata and Fugue[/i] began playing in the background.

“Auntie, what are you doing here at this particular time and place relative to our respective schedules?” Marten Cooper inquired.

“I am here to steal your girlfriend for nefarious purposes that I will now explain at length to you, my dear nephew!” Auntie Agonist exposited, hamming it up as usual.

Marten Cooper tried not to roll his eyes and ruin the take. “Ok.”

Sasha also said okay, but it was edited out in post-production. 

“You see, my dear [i]nephew[/i],” she began, putting pregnant pauses and unnecessary emphasis on each word in her dialogue, “I am [i]actually[/i] a criminal that [i]sells[/i] young women into bondage!”

“Ok.” Marten Cooper said, shocked. How could a woman he had known since he was a child be so evil?

Marten Cooper forgot his next line.

“Well, uh, I guess I’ll just take her then!” Auntie Agonist said, substantially flustered.

Marten Cooper remembered his previous line. “How could you do this Auntie Agonist. I’ve known you since I was a child?” Shit. Now everything was out of order. Marten Cooper was also fairly certain he put the wrong emphasis on the delivery, not that it mattered.

Marten Cooper and Auntie Agonist both paused for a long time, not sure what was supposed to be said next.

Sasha stepped on both their lines to save the scene. “Marten Cooper, I realized I was wrong and I do in fact need you in my life in order to prevent unfortunate happenstances such as the following.” A true professional.

Marten Cooper walked forward and spoke, “Don’t worry, Sasha, I love you and will protect you because you are my love interest.” He gingerly tapped Auntie Agonist on her face with his fist.

“OH NO I HAVE BEEN VANQUISHED!” Auntie Agonist shrieked like a goose that dropped out of acting school after her first semester as she disintegrated from Marten’s punch.

Marten Cooper tried not to roll his eyes.

“My hero.” Sasha did her best not to act. “We will probably have sex later.”

Credits Roll. No applause.