“Don’t see why we’re even botherin’ with this,” Applejack said, squirming within the confines of her black suit. Her mane felt cold in the air, her classic hat absent for this occasion.

“Because this is clearly important to our friends,” Rarity replied. Her eyes glanced across, to Twilight Sparkle, who was wearing her royal regalia. And clearly suffering from it, going by her constant fidgeting. “At least, some of them.”

Applejack snorted. “Whole bunch of hooey if you ask me. Waste of our time.”

A loud cough cut in any attempt to continue the conversation and all eyes turned to Pinkie, stood before a simple wooden podium. Standing on it, surrounded by flowers in the colors of the rainbow, was a picture of their friend, Rainbow Dash. Her wings were spread out, a cocky grin on her face. Clearly, a frozen memory of her in the lust of her life.

“Thank you all for coming, everypony,” Pinkie spoke, her voice surprisingly low-key. She gazed over her four pony ensemble, failing to notice Rarity giving Applejack a sly swatting and Fluttershy’s noticeably dry hoofkerchief, almost slipping from her grasp.

“What can we say about our friend, Rainbow Dash? Too many things, especially for a simple ceremony like this. Above all, she was our best friend but she was also a loyal companion, a brave hero, a natural performer, a stunning athlete, a—” Pinkie narrowed her eyes, looking past her grey veil and staring at a small card, “—the most super awesome coolest pony in history ever and the universe and don’t you forget it.”

In perfect synchronisation, there was a rolling of the eyes from Applejack and Rarity.

“But I’m not the one most qualified to talk about Dashie. For that, I hand it over to the pony who knew her best. Somepony who needs no introduction.” And just like that, Pinkie walked away from the podium.

“Here we go…” Applejack mumbled. 

“Er, hey everypony. Thanks for being here,” Rainbow Dash said, stepping up to the podium. “So, uh, recently my life changed in a dramatic way. Something happened to me that changed me forever and, honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever see the world in the same way again.”

Rarity could feel Applejack’s growing ire and moved to place a calming hoof on her. Before she made contact, however, the farmer had already stood up and cried, “Ya ain’t even dead! This is crazy!”

“Shush!” Pinkie scolded, pointing a hoof at Applejack. “You’ll get your turn to make a speech!”

She wanted to argue but the pressuring glower of Pinkie Pie made her back down.

“Thanks, Pinkie,” Rainbow said, nodding at her. She then cleared her throat and proceeded. “So, well, the other day I wandered over to Carasoul Boutique, since I was like: ‘hey, maybe Rarity could use a break from her heavy workload’. Or something.”

Rarity’s pupils shrank to pinpricks. “She’s not.”

“You get why I wanted to take my hat now?” Applejack replied, covering her eyes.

“I knock on her door but she doesn’t respond,” Rainbow explained. “So I get kinda worried. Door’s open, so I fly right on in and call out for her. Still nothing. S-So I go upstairs and…”

Pinkie approached Dash, patting her on the back gently. “It’s okay. Take your time.”

“I’m good, I’m good,” Rainbow replied after a breath. “Right, so I’m upstairs… I open up Rarity’s room and…” 

She bit her lip, hesitating. Then she suddenly jumped onto the podium, knocking over her picture, and cried accusingly at Applejack, “Why was an apple strapped around your mouth, AJ?! Why wouldn’t Rarity let you eat the apple! What’s wrong with her?! What’s wrong with the both of you!”

“Rainbow…” Applejack said slowly, Rarity having vanished behind her hooves. “We told you, it was jus’ a bit of fun—”

“So getting strapped up like, like some dog getting taken for a walk is your idea of fun?!” Rainbow shouted. “Was the apple just a placeholder for the bone?!”

The soothing sounds of Pinkie shushing calmed Rainbow enough to bring her back behind the podium, the earth pony rubbing small circles on her back. “At ease, child. At ease.”

Carefully urging Rainbow to the side, Pinkie took to the podium again, gesturing at the distressed form of Dash. “A two minute silence, if you’d please, for the death of Dashie’s innocence.” She closed her eyes and brought her forehooves together. “Truly, one of life’s greatest injustices.”