Hey you! Yes, you! With the sad eyes and the bad haircut and the general air of existential malaise!

Don't look so offended, friend. I know you. I understand you. I have [i] been[/i] you. Metaphorically speaking. Y'see, I too was once a sad sack of a pony, adrift and lost, trapped in this bleak and pointless exercise we call “life.” But no longer! For the one thing that I can credit to my current vim and vigor (not to mention my particularly lady-charming mustache) is right here before you-- Flim and Flam Flimflam's favorite pharmaceutical phenomenon, Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise!

Trademark pending.

Made from only the finest apple cores, stems, and peels, Silver-medal Super Scrumpy is superior to that hoity-toidy Sweet Apple Acres Cider in every way! It's cheaper, it's stronger, and it's far more versatile! In a pinch, you can use Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise to strip paint, and in the winter you can even burn it like kerosene! I'd like to see Sweet Apple Acres Cider do any of that! Why, this miraculous product is so far from boring old “cider” that we're not even legally allowed use that word to describe Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise!

Listen to me, buddy, Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise is guaranteed to turn your life around! Why, after just one bottle, you'll feel a lot smarter, stronger, and [i]far[/i] more attractive than you actually are! And that is the important part! Why go through all that hard work of self improvement when you can just kick back a few bottles and feel like you've actually accomplished something instead? 

Y'see, the real key to getting ahead in life is confidence. And nothing, nothing I tell you will give you confidence like a cool, tall glass of Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise! After just one drink, things will start looking up. The next thing you know, you'll be chatting up a princess of your very own, and you'll never have to be sad and lonely again! Or, you know, at least you'll think you're chatting up a princess. Might just be that mare from the corner. Or that colt over there. Or that hat rack. I won't judge. But no matter what your preference may be, all you need is a few sweet sips of Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise and it's gonna be bottoms up in no time!

(Wink wink. Nudge nudge). 

Why, friend, you're still not convinced? Fair enough. You're a smart pony-- no pulling the wool over your eyes!  A lifetime of heartbreaking disappointment has obviously sucked the joy out of your soul to the point where you look upon everything and everypony with a cynical and suspicious eye! But, let me help you, friend, because my brother and I [i]guarantee[/i] satisfaction in all our entrepreneurial endeavors! Because if you're not happy with your first bottle of Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise, my brother and I will personally give you another bottle, and then another, and then another after that until you are satisfied, or you're physically incapable of coherent complaint! It's a win-win! 

(Oh, and by the way,I am also legally required to note the following: Do not operate heavy machinery or cloud formations while under the influence of Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise. Pregnant mares should not drink Silver-medal Super Scrumpy Surprise unless they want their foals to be born all funny looking. Enjoy Silver-medal Super Scrumpy responsibly. Friends don't let friends fly drunk. Possible side effects include nausea, vertigo, migraines, temporary blindness, spontaneous combustion, or incontinence. Princess not included.)

So whaddya say, friend? Wouldn't you like to be the life of the party?  It's only ten bits for the six pack, and I'll throw in this stylish bottle opener to boot! I even hear Princess Twilight Sparkle's in town, and don't you want to be at your most confident when you meet her? (You know what they say about the quiet ones, don't ya? Wink wink. Nudge nudge). 

Gotta say, all this talking's made me thirsty. So why don't you put your bits on the bar here, and we can enjoy a cool, tall glass of Silver-Medal Scrumpy Surprise together? I don't know about you, but I could sure use a drink.