United States Spaceship "Barron Trump" tore its way across the vacuum surrounding a small, green planet. Captain Joe Pratt-Whitney stood before the window, smiling at the sight, admiring the rich hues of distant oceans and the shapes of the continents. It was finally time to put USA back where it belonged in the history of space exploration. Throughout the 22nd century, the reputation of Joe's beloved country took several hits. First, China established a colony on the Moon, driving every humble American insane with the sight of Five-star Red Flag clearly visible in the sky during every full moon. Still, it was not as bad as Mars. God almighty, Mars! Joe shuddered. He still remembered how ten years ago, NASA astronomers received a powerful signal from Mars. What they heard, hurt their pride of every True American, Joe included. Waltzing Matilda. Camp Drongo, the first Australian base on Mars, became fully operational. According to the brave and industrious astronauts from the land downunder, it was almost like home, except with less spiders. Joe shuddered. He remembered meeting one of the founders of the base, Angus Whacker, a complete fool who claimed that he earned more money starring in an ad of XXXX beer than he ever made as an astronaut. Joe was repulsed at the very thought of getting paid. Everything he was doing, he was doing from Uncle Sam. This time, Uncle Sam had every reason to be proud of Joe Pratt-Whitney. Here it was, right in front of him, the first Earth-like planet humanity ever managed to reach. And it was done all by Joe. Of course, USS "Barron Trump" was mostly built out of Japanese parts and the shipyard made the US government hire Motoharu Kawasaki as the flight engineer, claiming that no American would know how to take care of the photon engine, but still, Joe's discovery would make Angus Whacker and his Camp Drongo an unimportant footnote in the great history of space exploration. "Watch this, my friend," Joe said to Kawasaki. The ship was about to enter the alien planet's atmosphere, so Joe put on his sunglasses. Kawasaki didn't have to. A microchip in his head would automatically darken his vision, protecting his eyes against the glow of the heat shield. The spaceship started to shake, but all the systems worked flawlessly. According to the computer, 21% of the planet's atmosphere was oxygen and none of the other gases it consisted of were poisonous. Joe smiled. While he was told he looked boss in the space suit, it was extremely uncomfortable. Besides, no one would see his face in the photos. Kawasaki had no such problems. The engineers from Nakatomi Corporation fitted him with a pair of artificial lungs capable of breathing in every conditions, but this pompous American didn't have to know about that. Finally, the ship landed in the middle of the forest, trees catching fire from its engines. Joe jumped outside and planted the US flag in the middle of the clearing while listening to the anthem on his newest iPod. "One small step and whatnot..." Joe muttered, patting Kawasaki's back. "Man, could it get any better?" Soon, it got better. The planet was apparently inhabited, judging by the two horse... cat... things that arrived at the landing place. Joe wasn't sure what they were, but quickly grabbed a camera and started taking pictures. One of the creatures was yellow and the other was purple. Both had wings, but the purple one also had a horn. "Kawaii!" Kawasaki exclaimed, running to them. "Twilight!" the yellow alien said. Joe wasn't surprised – after all, aliens in the movies always spoke English. "They burned the forest and scared the squirrels!" Kawasaki stopped. Whatever he saw in the eyes of the yellow alien made him take a step back, grabbing a katana he always carried with him. Joe's eyes widened when the purple alien's horn started to glow. "No!" he shouted before being engulfed by darkness. [hr] When he woke up, he was hanging upside down in some crystal basement. Not the best way to end a day. Also, that purple alien--Twilight, if he recalled correctly--was there, staring at him. "I'm sorry," Twilight said. "Your friend eviscerated himself with his sword." "Kawasaki didn't want to face the dishonor of capture. W-what will you do to me?" Twilight smirked. "Science..." Joe screamed. He kept screaming for a long time. Before the mission, he hoped he'd be doing the anal probing, not the other way around.