It seemed like a good idea to fight God at the time. I mean God was kind of a prick, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, chilling up there in heaven like there aren’t child sex slaves in the world he created and whatnot. The dude literally created evil and suffering for no other reason than he could, real bad guy. I’d give him a zero out of ten if I could. 

So I get my pal Richard, his pal Nietzche, and some girl with big tits to tag along with me. Like, apparently, any rando can come ascend the stairway to heaven and challenge God to a straight up fist fight.  

And that’s what we do. After some light training, and a couple of brawls with the angels leading up to God, we challenge him to a fight. What’s even more amazing is we just straight up bash the guy’s head in, and he dies. 
	
Whoops. Listen, it was an accident, okay? We didn’t [i]mean[/i] to kill him. We just wanted to rough him up a bit. Teach him a lesson, you know?  I had a whole fucking friendship speech preplanned I was gonna give when he was sufficiently weakened so he’d maybe chill out on the global warming thing and maybe solve the Israeli-Palestine conflict. I wasn’t asking for much here, mind you. 
	
But no. Dude just straight up dies. Guess we hit him a little too hard or something. Being God and all, I thought he’d be a little more, I don’t know, omnipotent or something? Or least able to take a couple of punches, christ. 

After that, Jesus comes in, all mad and teary-eyed asking what we just did, and nobody can really answer him. Nietzche tries to explain what’s going on, but Jesus is having none of it.

Then we gotta fight Jesus. Real hassle, I gotta say, and nobody was really feeling it at the time. I mean beating up God is cool and all, guy really had a good beating coming if I’m being honest, but nobody wants to beat up Jesus. He already had a bad enough time on earth. 

So we beat up Jesus. Richard’s crying. I’m crying. Jesus is crying. Everyone’s upset. 

Satan himself comes out of the ground and is like, “What the hell is going on here?” 

I’m not joking, he said that exactly. Apparently, Satan loves dad jokes. We explain what happened for the second time, and at the very least Satan doesn’t want to challenge us to a fight. But then he’s all like, “I’m gonna be the new God now.” 

Now I don’t know much about Satan, but this didn’t sound like a good idea. I’m pretty certain, even at the time, that Satan is a pretty bad dude. It’s the red skin that gives it away, really. Good guys don’t have a red color palette. 

Everyone’s pretty tired from all this fighting nonsense, but big tits girl is all, “We have to beat Satan guys! We have to destroy this reductive dichotomy of good and evil in its totality so that mankind can be freed from the normative ethics that have been thrust upon us!” 

She’s pretty hot, so I do what she says. She has my full attention if you know what I’m saying. 

Satan goes down like a Saigon whore. Scratch that, even Saigon whores don’t go down that fast. Fight’s over pretty much as soon as it starts. Satan’s pretty pissy with us, and says he’ll be back or some shit. 

I just want to go home, but everyone is telling me that somebody has to be the new God, and it might as well be me, because I lead the guys that killed God. I tell them I don’t wanna be God, I don’t know the first thing about being God, and this whole ordeal is fucking retarded. 

They tell me that makes me the perfect candidate. I tell them to go fuck themselves, but they insist, and honestly I just want to be left alone so I say I’ll do it. I say some bullshit about mankind shaping its own destiny from now, the ways of tradition are dead and gone, we should look towards the future, standard stuff, and I sit on the throne as the new God. 

This sucks. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. 

But hey, at least I fixed global warming.