This is a conversation that I had with my grandpappy. He's a known rambler. I have written this as it was spoken to the best of my ability. Consider this your last chance to back out.

"When I was nine, it was Christmas day when Bobby Legett fell off the roof and broke his leg. Now Bobby was a rambunctious boy, a nice strapping lad, but his sisters was the real prize. Stephanie Gonza was the finest 18 year old on Elm Street. She was sweet as butter and smooth as sugar. If you could get her to look at you, then hoo-ey! You were lit! Nicest lady. Got me into bridge she did. Went over for a date, she had some friends over, and we played cards all night. Best date I've been on. You'd think that a growing young man knowing Bridge would be an negative, not a pro, but you'da be wrong on that count. Bridge has gotten me out of more deadly situations than it's put me in. One time I was playing bridge in a casino, and two fellows took me out back, stuck a gun in my mouth, and threatened to break my legs and my dick if I ever came back... but that's a story for another time. It was '38 in Laos. I was a tunnel rat. That meant that I was on my hands and knees crawling in the shit, trying to get Charlie before Charlie got me. It wouldn'tve been a hard job 'cept for the fact that I wasn't an officer and on account'a that I wadn't allowed to carry a pistol. Now my pappy didn't like that much at all and so what he di' is he'd gone and sent me an army cap 50 cal cap and ball revolver, all legal like mind you. A replica of a gun that'd seen service last century, fighting in the modern day. Well at least when I lived it, it was the modern day. So there I was, crawling through the AVRN tunnels. They'd gone and fragged the shit out of the place, so the dust was all up in the air, thick like when your sister vapes with that thing she's got. Don't like vaping that much, reminds me of when the mortars would come in. Shrieking like banshees, [i]Shreeeeeeeeeeeee[/i]. Damn fucking scary those things were. I used to be posted  as an artillery observer in the jungles, and it was a damn good posting. Got to sleep in a tree, didn't have to wear my regalia. There was a nice easterly wind that'd come through at night. Eh, I've gone off on a tangent. So anyways, first thing I found in there was a foot. Tossed that out at the Cap'n, who laughed at it. He was even happier when I drug the former owner of the foot out. Turn out the gook had a backpack full of intel. Oh boy did the officers have a field day with that. They prolly won the Battle of Tet Offensive because of it. Heh. One time I was clearing another bunker complex t'at was meant to be abandoned. Had an M60, bigass machine gun, and that cap-and-ball in a crossdraw. Charlie popped out of a kill-hole. Guess which one saved my life? That god-damn cap and ball. You can keep your glocks, your fancy pancy Taser. I've got my cap and ball, and I'll keep it till the day I die. That's why I don't support the war 'n Err-Rack."